I Think My Sponsor Approves

This is something that I wrote for The NA Way Magazine some time back. If you have problems with drugs, contact Narcotics Anonymous. They can help.

Agape
Lee
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THE NA WAY MAGAZINE

JANUARY 2004
VOLUME TWENTY-ONE
NUMBER ONE


I think my sponsor approves

My sponsor died.
Bob C and I were closer than I ever thought two people could be. We shared our joys, sorrows, problems, and solutions. I had known him for about a year and a half when I asked him to be my sponsor. He told me, “I will be your sponsor on two conditions: One, that you are willing to work the steps. Two, that you call me every day.” I held to half of the commitment. I called him every day. I did not work the steps. I made a couple of half-hearted attempts but just could not get serious about it. I had survived more than forty years, thirty of them suffering from active addiction. I knew how to live life on life’s terms. Only one problem: The terms of a junkie’s life address nothing but the life of a junkie.

I stopped going to meetings, stopped calling my sponsor every day, and started hanging around with my old “friends.” Needless to say, in a very short time I went out. When I came to my senses, I gave Bob a call and asked if I could come down to see him.

At the time we were living in a beach city in California (USA). I had an apartment downtown, and Bob lived aboard his sailboat in the harbor. When I came aboard, he made a pot of coffee. I did not say much until the mugs were warming our hands. The conversation went like this:

“Bob, I guess you heard that I went out.”

“Yeah, I heard you’d been trying to kill yourself again. Are you ready to start working the steps now?”

“Yes, I am.”

We started. We worked all twelve steps, thoroughly and in order. I say “we” because, while I did the work, Bob was right there beside me all the way, guiding, encouraging, prodding (a lot of prodding), and providing me with his experience, strength, and hope.

When we were through, I said something like “Whew, I’m glad that’s over.” Bob told me, “It’s just begun. It’s never over.” Bob ran it all down to me like this: “See, the Twelfth Step says, ‘Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.’

“What’s the message?

“One, that I was powerless over my addiction. Two, that there is a power greater than myself that can relieve me of the insanity that leads me to take that first drug. Three, that I can abandon my life to the care and keeping of God, and that this loving, caring God gives me the power to stay clean.

“In a nutshell, that’s the answer to the question of how to stay clean. “Now, having acknowledged these three basic principles, you are at Step Four, and you just keep going on from there.”

I kept on doing the steps over and over. Doing that has led me to believe today that the program of Narcotics Anonymous is the steps.

In my twelfth year of recovery, Bob contracted cancer. When it became clear to both of us that it was terminal, we talked about it: death, the afterlife, and the present life. We came to the conclusion that life is worth living clean—even with cancer.

During Bob’s last year, I moved to Montana to pursue my career. Because of the long-distance telephone bill, I was unable to call him every day, but once a week we were on the phone with each other.

Then one night in my thirteenth year, I got the phone call from Bob’s daughter: “He’s gone.”

We wept and consoled each other as best we could.

They scattered Bob’s ashes in the sea he loved so well, and our lives went on. About a month later, at our regular phone time, I was feeling particularly blue and called out, “Oh, Bob, what am I ever going to do without my sponsor?” The answer came in my ear, as plain as day, in Bob’s voice:

“Lee, I have given you all that I can. I showed you the steps and taught you how to live by the traditions. I can’t give you any more. Now it’s your turn. Carry  the message. See you when you get here.”

I never heard from Bob again. I think about him from time to time and always have a warm feeling.

I have been clean now for more than twenty years, and I sponsor a number of addicts. Those who work the steps recover. Those who don’t, don’t. All I can do is share my experience, strength, and hope.

When I need someone to share some of life’s burdens with, I have the guys I sponsor. One of the tenets of NA is “one addict helping another.” Even though I may be an oldtimer, my length of recovery is the same as everyone else’s: twenty-four hours.

More importantly, I have the gifts Narcotics Anonymous has given me: God, the steps, and the fellowship. I think my sponsor approves.

Lee A, Montana, USA